In the peaceful stillness- My mind relaxes

Prozac?!

2005-11-01T17:32:57Z

Okay, so now Im clically depressed! Great.
Halloween sucked.
Branddon is so sick.
We gave out candy. He told people he shaved his head for his costume.

Well, we move into the new house this weekend.
A 3 bedroom colonial in Woodbridge. Very pretty. Huge kitchen. and I have a spa tub in my bathroom! I wonder if I could drown myself in it. We have 2 acres of a yard. One thing you cant get in CA is acres of yard! Branddon wants to invite jenns kids over to play football in the yard.
Jenn is going to help me move because I am not strong enough to move the heavy stuff. ;)

She is way strong. So, here I am batting my big long lashes. She will come save me.

Oh here is a good one!
She told me she isnt going to sleep with me again.

She said it isnt right to not have an emotional connection. She said she is sick of being told she is mean and emotionless. and that she wants to figure it out. Then she can have relationships with people. But she doesnt want to burn bridges while doing it. So could I please stop asking ... and just let it stay at friends between us.

Well, that has made me completely depressed!
All I want to do is curl up into a ball and pull the covers over my head.
Make the world go away.

I feel like her slut, and I kind of like it.

2005-10-24T22:30:04Z

Certain aspects anyway. I know I am the Booy call. That is fine. I like that. I DONT like that her heart is some place else when she is having sex with me. I DONT like that she has feelings for someone else but is not capable of having feelings for me. She admits she loves this woman! I must be crazy.

"Get used to it!"

She actually said that to me. Yes, I was jealous.

I don't have all the facts, I know that. I dont know how it ended, or how it really got so deep so fast.

I dont know why this woman is able to her up in emotional knots. With a phone call or a simple text message.

But its all because she wont tell me.

She said I dont need to know. It wont change anything. But it would. At least I would understand.

The woman calls her and she gets all fucked in the head and silent on me. She will have the most wild sex with me, but I KNOW she isn't with me. She is somewhere else. She is with HER

I wonder if she is amazingly beautiful. Or if she is magic for Jenn in bed. I told her she was the best I had ever been with. HOW STUPID of me?

and she said "Thanks"

Thanks? Gee was I that awful?

I take this anymore.

The Invite

2005-10-23T13:17:30Z

So I was invited over to Jenns for dinner. One of her children is very sick and we didnt want to jepordize Branddons white cell count, So I have a sitter coming to stay with him.
At first, I wasnt sure if I should go. But I have spent what seems like every second of the last two weeks with Branddon. I need to breath. Jenn called me at 1am. She saw me online and asked if she could call. I was shocked to hear from her at all. But I know she has a lot going on in her house.
The kids' father and she had a pretty nice arrangement until recently.
She explained it to me the night we slept together. Helived in the same house and they raised the kids together. But they lived very seperate lives. It all seemed to work until she found herself falling for someone. I guess that changed the dynamic. So this week was the final moving day. The kids were giving her a hard time about it. I dont know how I would feel if Branddon was angry at me for splitting up with Carlie. I feel bad for her.
Well, I have my fingers crossed. wish me luck.

I DID it!

2005-10-16T07:37:47Z

She finally picked up he phone. At first she was angry at me. Understandably.

But I said: Look, I have not been this attracted to a woman in such a long time. If you never speak to me again after, It would be fine, I will accept that (uh I hope not) But I have to kiss you once.

So at 11 pm she shows up here. Totally unexpected! At the door she asks me if Branddon is awake. He is not.

She said: I have never done this before. I dont do this. I dont show up unannounced.

I opened the door to let her in and she kissed me so hard and passionately I thought I would die. She closed the door behind her and before I knew it we were on the living room floor. She just left. I asked her to stay but she said she couldn't. She needs to be home when her kids wake up. I am waiting for her call to tell me she is home. Its such a long drive back for her.

She is/was Amazing! I have never felt so totally "taken". It was all so passionate. She kissed me when she left and held my face in her hands and said: "go to sleep, I will talk to yo tomorrow."

God, I hope she calls. I never take these kinds of chances. but I knew what I was risking when I called her. Wasn't that stupid? But damn it was fun.

trying out those active smile things.

2005-10-15T14:06:44Z

What do I have to do?

2005-10-14T15:44:23Z

I have thought about it and thought about it.

Probably much more than I should.

It is so obvious that she likes me. And I have let it be known that I like her.

God, I wish she would just kiss me and get it over with. I have imagined it 1,000 times over. Last night I had a dream about her. I have NEVER, well maybe when I was a teenager, but as an adult I have never had erotic dreams about someone. I have never had anyone so difficult to get at, be right in front of me. This is driving me insane.

I realize that it has been awhile since, I have had an intimate encounter but when she is around I feel like I am a starving child in some foreign land!

What else do I need to do really? I ask her if she thinks I’m attractive. She said yes, I think you are very attractive. So, what is the problem?

I ask her if she saw me and didn’t speak to me, would she think about me sexually, she said yes, of course… you’re hot. I’m not looking for a long term relationship, at least I don’t think I am. He he. But I would like some sex! I know it sounds so desperate. But when she is around me, I feel so sexual. Why is that? Why do some people just make you feel sexy… sexual?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night she came over and brought games and the Xbox over for Branddon. I thanked her and asked is she could stay for a little while. She said she was so exhausted and sitting for a bit would be great. She fell asleep on my bed! I so wanted to jump her in her sleep. I was staring at her rear imagining it naked. That so is not like me. She has these very muscular legs that lead right up into this very muscular rear. Uh. Insane I tell you. She is driving me insane. So, I kissed her softly on the mouth. And just as her mouth opens to kiss me back, she wakes up! She was angry with me. After she was awake and out of the bed she apologized for having fallen asleep and for ripping my head off. I apologized for kissing her and wanted to explain, but she left. I can’t get her on the computer and all I get when I cal is the machine. So, what am I supposed to do?

I suppose it was wrong of me.

And now I am going to pay for it.

Identity

2005-10-11T21:37:01Z

I was told yesterday that I am too feminine to be a lesbian. How is that?
Isn’t the whole definition of being lesbian to love females?
I love women.
I love BEING a woman.
I love female bodies and female smells.
I love to look at my female form and see a WOMAN.
I like to perfume myself and powder myself in sweet fragrances that are purely feminine.
How can you be too female to be a lesbian?
When will the world stop making us fit into a mold? Is it simply easier for the rest of society? If we fit some pattern or preset mold, then we can be put into a category. It makes the things that are too complicated to understand simplified for the simplest of minds.
It upsets me that I need to be identified by others at all. As if I am some sort of a predator that needs to register my location and make other aware of my presence.
Whose business is it after all? I am the only person that needs to know MY identity. Granted, it would make finding another woman much easier. Not having to play the “is she straight/ is the gay” game.
But the days of being forced to wear a ‘yellow star’ are long over. Yes, I have a rainbow sticker on my car. Yes I make a statement, to other people who recognize that I belong to a specific group. That is MY choice though.
No, straight society doesn’t wear their sexuality on the outside. But maybe they should. Since it is that group of society who seems to have the need to categorize us based on the most ignorant ‘facts’. Oh she wears perfume, no she must be straight. I paint my nails thus I must be hetero. That is the most ridiculous reasoning!
Sorry. End of my rant.

Ahhhhh good to be home.

2005-10-11T19:18:08Z

We just got home. I tucked Branddon in for a nap. I say tucked in like he is a baby. Geeez. He is 12! The Chemotherapy is making him sick. The doctor and Jenn both told me to be prepared for it. So, I suppose I was. It was so violent and sudden when it hit him though. My poor baby. My friend was excellent about talking to him through the treatment. The worst part was the catheter. The nurse they sent in was not very good about finding the vein.
It was making me so angry! The more he cried, the angrier I got.
I felt as if I had no control and all I wanted to do was make my baby better.
My friend knew the nurse who was administering the treatment. Because she just finished her chemo, she was able to talk to someone and get Branddon a movie and a TV of his own to watch while he sat through the treatment.She helped me calm down too.
She said that alcohol swabs held under the nose when he feels nauseas will help it pass. It worked. I had never heard of that before.
We went for a walk while Branddon was resting to check our messages and Jenns ex girlfriend called. I felt so out of place. She referred to me a few times. But I felt like I shouldn't be there. As if I shouldn't be hearing the conversation. When she hung up she apologized and then was very quiet. I didn't ask, but she seemed sad. Of course all I do is internalize and wonder if she wanted to say something, but maybe felt as if she could not because of my presence. Maybe she misses her and I shouldn’t even think about getting interested in her. I KNOW she already told me we need to keep it just friends. Even though she said “I find you hot as hell, it doesn’t change the fact that we need to keep it at the friend level.” She said this all with an adorable smile. OH! She really is very attractive. I know she must catch me starring. But she never lets on that she is aware.
She drove us home and we stopped to pick up something to eat. I couldn’t even think about food. But we got some good stuff to go and its sitting in the fridge for late night tonight. She just left for the grocery to pick up some stuff that she thinks will help Branddon later. (His belly). So it gave me time to take a shower and journal quickly.
She said she can stay for a while; her kids are all set for the night, so I plan on taking advantage of that. I’m not sure if I should ask her about the ex. I want to know, but then again, I’m not so sure I do. Oh well. More later on- maybe.

Great weekend.

2005-10-10T00:54:27Z

It went so quickly.
My "friend" came over yesterday afternoon with two of her kids. Branddon had a blast! They played with the Xbox that they brought over. Branddon is one of the few kids that doesn't have video games. Maybe I will get him one for christmas this year. He acted healthy for the first time in months. It was nice to see. My friend and Branddon talked in depth about chemotherapy. They had that common ground. He felt more comfortable with what to expect and my friend seemed to feel better about having helped someone.
She gave me a lot of insight as to what I should expect. She has been through three sets of chemo and radiation over the past several years. But she deosn't seem sick to me. It's so strange how strong she seems.
She is a health nut. She eats so very healthy and excersises I think everyday. It's hard to believe that someone with such a healthy lifestyle could get such an awful illness.
I really like this woman. I just don't want to move too quickly.
She already told me she doesn't want to be anything more than friends with me, because she made that mistake recently and said she was sorry she did. She hurt someone and herself in the process.
I told her I had been on the receiving end of the same thing once and did not want to find myself there again either. But the truth is, deep down I would have loved to kiss her. ohhh, Just once.
We will see eachother on Tuesday. She is going to go with me and Branddon for his Chemo. She will be support for both Branddon and I. It was Branddon that asked her to go. I felt uncomfortable at first. But if he feels okay with it, who am I to object.

serenity4_today @ 2005-10-06T21:44:00

2005-10-07T01:45:07Z

Branddon has an apointment with a pediatric oncologist tomorrow. We will plan a couurse of treatment. He is more hopeful than I am tonight.

answers to a quiz

2005-10-06T18:55:40Z

Here are the rules:
1. Leave a comment, saying you want to be interviewed. 2. I will respond; I'll ask you five questions. 3. You'll update your journal with my five questions, and your five answers. 4. You'll include this explanation. 5. You'll ask other people five questions when they want to be interviewed.

My Answers:

1. What was the allure that had you stay with Carlie for as long as you did?

Carlie. I think that I stayed with her as long as I did because I didn't know much else. She took care of me. Or so I thought. When I met her and then for the earlier part of out relationship, I felt small and helpless. I liked that she swooped in and took care of things. I think that in the beginning, she liked being needed. We fit well together in that respect. Of course there is the sexual aspect. She always made me feel like the sexiest woman in the world.

2. Have you ever been with men and, if yes, what eventually made you see the light?

Yes. 2 in total. I think I wanted to be as "normal" as the people that were around me and so I simply followed suit. I always "saw the light" I just didn't follow it until college.

3. Tell me about a little more about your job, i.e., specifically, what made you choose that field? What do you do? Are you happy with your field? (ok so I cheated that was a few questions wrapped up in one :^))

I fell into my current line of work by accident. I was dating someone who was in the industry and she often brought me around her work. I caught on very quickly. She told me I was a natural in detecting sound and she got me a job in a big company. Initially I was a massage therapist. Which, by the way, I still very much enjoy. It just doesnt pay enough to afford a home and a car oh and a wonderful little boy.

4. Is your family (parents/grandparents) supportive of your lifestyle?

There is my father and my twin brother. That is the extent of it. My brother is gay as well. My father thinks that if you love something, you do not love the sex of the person even f you love sex WITH the person. You fall in true love with the person that they are. Not the race the sex or the age. Those things are irrelevant. Yes he is very supportive. I love them both a great deal. And I miss them immensely.

5. Where would you like to be 5-10 years from now?

Geographically? I dont know.
I would like to do some traveling. I would like to show Branddon more of the world before he is gone. He will be in his 20's in 10 years. Suddenly I feel very old. Thank you Tina. I would ultimately like to have my debts paid off and be HAPPILY married to a woman that loved me as much (no more no less) than I loved her.

What an amazing night.

2005-10-06T12:57:04Z

Dinner was so much fun! She brought dessert, even though I didnt ask her to. Thank goodness because I was so consumed by making an edible dinner that I hadn't given any thought to a dessert. Fresh rasberries on chocolate with fresh whipped creme. Yummy. I made grilled salmon and asparagus with little red potatoes. It came out perfect.
We talked while I got dinner ready. I learned a lot about her. Incuding the fact that both she and Branddon share the same Birthdate. We both believe in a lot of the same ideas. We feel the same about things happening for a greater reason.
And we agreed that we met both of those days for a very specific purpose.
We both share a love for art as well as music. She is a very talented artist. I have to scan the drawing she did of Brandon for me. He was sleeping on the sofa and she picked up a pencil and sketched him quickly. But what amazing acuracy. I was very impressed.
She stayed until a little past midnight. It was a long ride home for her. I am roughly an hour drive from her residence.
She knows the area though. She had once lived in Westport for several years before college.
She kissed my cheek before she left and then called me from the road to thank me again for dinner. We have made plans to see eachother over the weekend. and possibly let the kids meet one another. One of her children is around the same age as Branddon. It was obvious to both of us that they would be fast friends. Branddon is anxious to meet them to.
I tucked him into bed last night and he said "She is very pretty mom. You should kiss her."
Kids see everything, sometimes even before we do. I wish I had the 'sight' that Branddon has sometimes.
He is an amazing boy. As far as work goes, I have been given most of what I need to work from my home for the next few weeks. The office said "We will take it as it comes, don't stress it." Thats a good philosophy for eveything in my life right now I think.
So I am "taking it as it comes." and doing some minor editing here at home on the computer. It is so nice to work in my P.J.'s. I like being around Branddon all day too.
Well, Im off to work. ( hehe)

SHE called ME

2005-10-04T02:24:33Z

Wow. the girl that I met at the hospital just called me. She asked how Branddon was doing. How nice was that of her to do? She said she was thinking how strange it was that we met again like that. And she wanted to call to tell me.
She heard me typing. ( I was chatting with a Yahoo friend) and she asked me if I do email or messenger!
So she is going to add me to her Yahoo list. I feel like a teenager. isn't that silly?
I very truely had butterflies in my belly when she was speaking to me.
She is so so beautiful. Its difficult not to notice.
Well, I just wanted to shout it out. SHE CALLED ME! She CALLED ME!
WHOOP WHOOP...OH YEAH!
Doing a dance. You just can't see

Valium is a good thing.

2005-10-03T21:24:25Z

All I had to do was call the doctor, and he agreed. I did need to take something to relax.
It seems I may have worked myself up into an ulcer. Which, doesnt really suprise me. I havent been able to eat or sleep for days. and I can taste the acid from my belly.YUCK. I know.

Branddon was so brave today. I am so proud of him. Even though they numbed him before they did the fluid tap in his spine, He could feel it. Oh how he cried. Me too. We will see the doctor on Wed. to see what he has to say. I am praying- to God, or whomever will hear me. Please let him be okay. Please, I would give myself whatever it is to have him be healthy. I am so scared.

Want to know something really strange? I was aboutt o go outside and call my ex to tell her what was up with Branddon. I thought maybe she would care. Branddon had just been brought down to sleep for a while and my medication had me nice and relaxed. (hehe)
I go around the corner, and coming down the hall is the woman I met last week when I brought Branddon to the doctor. I never did find her card.
Strange thing was she was a patient this time. She was in Radiology for CANCER TREATMENT.
I never would have been able to tell. She didnt look sick when we first met. TOday she had no makeup on and was being wheeled down the hall. But when I saw her I recognized her immediatley.
We talked for a bit. I told her what was going on with Branddon. She told me about her treatment. She is finishing up with a round of treatments. She said many things that gave me hope. And courage. We also talked about what it was like raising kids as a lesbian mother.
I really took a lot of valuable stuff away from that half hour talk. And on top of everything, I was not able to call Carlie!
Oh darn! It was for the best. I dont think that I would have gotten what I wanted from her if I had called. I think it would have made me even more sad and more angry with her.
I am inviting the woman over for dinner. I decided on the way home today. I will cook and we will have a great conversation over dinner.
Maybe I am moving too fast. Being too hopeful.
I just want it all to end happily. Isnt that silly?
Thank you to everyone that was supportive. All the email and messages really have been a nice thing to find at the end of the day.
I feel less alone.
I am going to make Branddon some soup. He likes my turkey soup. At least someone does.

Tomorrow

2005-10-02T19:25:40Z

Branddon finally fell asleep. Thank goodness. His cough has been so loud and rough, it was keeping both of us awake. Tomorrow is his lumbar test. I have to get to the cvs to pick up his prescription before they close. Can you believe they give children Valium? It sure did take me by suprise. I did not really look at the written information until just a little while ago.
I guess Im waiting until the very last moment to get this filled. I have to give him one in the morning before we leave and then another one a half hour before the test.
to calm his nerves.
I think I should take one. I could use it more then he right now.

Some news.

2005-10-01T20:52:27Z

Monday morning Branddon is scheduled for a lumbar puncture. Sounds awful. Makes me so upset to imagine.
The blood work came back and I spoke to the doctors. There is a special 'childrens cancer treatment center' at Yale. I guess that makes me feel somewhat better. In an odd way. I suppose I was afraid I wouldn't know enought to make sure that he was getting the best care.
The puncture is to determine the type of lukemia that Branddon has. Apparently thats how they determine the course of treatment. They are not all treated the same.
Either way the doctor said we have a long road ahead of us. So he set me up with some "support group"
I dont know that any group of grievers come a'gathering is going to make me feel any better.
Poor Branddon.
He is so scared.
truth is, so am I

OK. Now what?

2005-09-30T20:32:36Z

Well. It seems Branddon had some blood tests done. He needs to be tested for some form of lukemia.
GREAT.
My brain is so flooded right now. I dont know where to start, if I should start.
I should have the results by monday. Thats when he has appointment.
Back to yale.
Im so sad. This is why he has been so sick. God, I feel so alone in all of this. And I need to be so strong right now. Branddon asked me if this means he will die. Oh My God! What am I supposed to say to that.
I told him no. I feel like a liar.
I feel like vommitting.

Birthdays

2005-09-29T13:53:31Z

yesterday I turned 34. BoooHoo!
Branddon is allowed back at school on Monday.
I needed to take him to a respitory specialist in New Haven yesterday.
Wow. Yale is HUGE. I have read a lot about it but never actually saw it.
Branddon felt well enough that we looked around The city. Its not all that bad.
I met a girl yesterday, at te doctors office. She has a boy the same age as Branddon.
Actually she has more than one child. But she happend to have her son with her for his appointment. I thought Branddon has medical issues. WOW. I have to give this woman credit.. she handles his illness well. I get all panicked when Branddon is sick.
This woman was so beautiful.
and funny. Sarcastic finny. Which by the way is my favorite. Truth is I cannot remember her name. I cant find her card ( she gve me her buisness card) I gave her my number. I asked her if maybe we could get coffee sometime... of course when I am in New Haven again.
I KNOW... I shouldnt even think about it right??????????????
But when IS the right time to think about it?
Secretly, I hope she calls!

serenity4_today @ 2005-09-27T08:47:00

2005-09-27T12:49:08Z

Branddon has a cold. SO I am home today caring for him. He reverts back to 4 yrs old when he gets sick. Tomorrow is my birthday and Im so down. I normally dont let thigs get to me.
I think I have been remembering birthdays from the past. Birthdays with Carlie (the ex partner)
I always made her birthday a big deal. This was the year she was goiung to throw me " the biggest bash ever"
I look at poor Branddon and think of all the birthdays e will have. All the birthdays Carli will miss. Damn that woman makes me angry.
Working from home today will be a test. Sound editing with Branddon asking questions about every sound effect. Ha

Who I am. Where I am from.

2005-09-26T12:05:03Z

Well I had written a huge page.. and somehow I lost it! So here we go again: My name is Sarina. I am new in CT. Originally I am from Cuba. I lived in CA. for the last 11 years. I have a 12 year old son named Branddon. My partner decided that she no longer wanted to do the "family thing"... so I had my job transfer me to the NYC division of the company. I am a film-sound editor, or a dialogue editor. I LOVE my job. I commute into the city a few days a week. My 34th birthday is the day after tomorrow. It will be the first b-day I spend without friends and family. My dad and I are very close but he is in Mexico and my twn brother (we look nothing alike) is in Cuba! All of my friends are in California. I am desperate to find a new community of like minded, intelligent, fun... and out womyn. I just have no idea where to start. I am very homesick today.

serenity4_today @ 2005-09-25T12:52:00

2005-09-25T16:58:28Z

Tried to enter photographs... But it didnt work.

serenity4_today @ 2005-09-25T12:47:00

2005-09-25T16:51:17Z

I am going nuts with the photos!!! Going to just add a link to shutterfly I think.